What We Learned in April: Coffee and Stairs

How to Make Coffee with a French Press (in a Pandemic)

Step One: Alarm

Wake up. This is generally one of the easier tasks on the to do list as you have very little choice in the matter. You may be like me and have a puppy that does the work of an alarm clock for you. You may not have even gone to bed because you were kept up by the sense of impending doom from the pandemic. Regardless, time to get up. The coffee calls.

Step Two (Optional): Pajamas or Birthday Suit

Get dressed. This one changes based on the person and living arrangement. If you have roommates or other humans who don't appreciate an unclothed person in public spaces, I recommend tossing on some coverings. If you live alone, with someone who appreciates you in all your glory, or have lost all motivation due to quarantine, have at it.

Step Three: Clean the Life-giver

I usually leave my french press and the previous grounds in it overnight. It may not be the most efficient way of enjoying coffee and brewing it, but I find with the energy boost I get after morning caffeine, I can spend it better on things other than cleaning the coffee maker. I wash and rinse both the actual press and the pitcher itself. I pour a little bit of water from the sink into the remaining grounds and swirl it around. As I open the backdoor to let the dog out to do its business, I toss the sloppy mess off to the side. Every morning its like a double shot of fertilizer to my lawn, plus this means the coffee grounds will not clog up the plumbing.

Step Four: Actually Making the Coffee

As I come back inside, I fill up the electric kettle with water and set it down to start heating. I push the button on my coffee grinder which starts the ungodly blending sound which makes me thankful for a roommate who can sleep through a hurricane. I change how much coffee I grind each morning based on how hard step one was. I recommend sticking between four and six ounces for a standard liter french press.

After unplugging my ears as the sound of grinding coffee subsides, I simply have to check periodically whether the water is hot enough to brew the coffee. You want to be careful here as leaving the water to actually boil will do two unsatisfactory things. The first is pouring boiling water directly on your coffee grounds will almost certainly “burn” the coffee. The extremely hot water will cause the grounds to begin to brew too early and too much. The second is that the boiling water may disrupt the brewing process by causing the grounds to bounce around in the bubbles.

I don't have a fancy kettle which tells me the water temperature, so I just wait until touching the kettle is between 'ouch' and 'so scalding I have to pull my hand back'. I pour the freshly ground coffee into the bottom of the french press pitcher and then follow that up with a circular pour of the hot water on top of that to make sure that all the grounds are soaked. Fill the water up to about an inch from the top of the french press and put the actual press on top like a lid.

Step Five: Try Not to Stare at the Clock

Just like step one was the easiest in that you had no choice in the matter, this step is the hardest for the exact same reason. Yes, indeed, you've arrived to the step where you have to simply... wait. How long you have to wait mainly depends on two questions.

The first question is how long you can last before you get that sweet, sweet caffeine straight to your veins? And the second is how strong you want your coffee to be? The longer you leave it, the stronger it will be. I typically let mine brew for about eight minutes. I like my coffee like my favorite strong female protagonists and I can distract myself with watching my puppy chase butterflies in the backyard. Regardless, most expert coffee brewers will tell you to wait between three and five minutes for a french press.

Step Six: Choose Your Fighter

This is, strangely enough, my favorite step. It's kind of like the epitome of 'its the journey, not the destination' of coffee brewing. Open up your cupboard and look at your hoard of coffee mugs like the caffeinated dragon that you are. Peruse the excellent coffee receptacles that you have at your disposal and pick the one that speaks most to you. My favorite mug the past week has been one with Snoopy and Charlie Brown on the front with the saying “It doesn't get any better than this” on the rim. On good mornings, it keeps me optimistic in this pandemic that I still have my health and my puppy. On the bad mornings, it at least makes me laugh ruefully and think that “Yes, it actually does get much better than this. But, at least I have coffee.”

Once you have your mug, push down on the press. Slowly, please. I know there's an actual reason for not slamming down the press, but I just remember the time I rushed it and accidentally knocked over the entire french press. Drenching yourself in hot coffee wakes you up just as much but you miss out on the joy of drinking said coffee.

Pour. Enjoy the smell of freshly brewed coffee in the morning. It is as simple as that.

Step Seven: Triumph

Raise that mug to your lips and take your first sip of your newly caffeinated life. Feel the energy course through your veins. Look up to the horizon like you are in an adventure movie or a nostalgia fueled music video. Remember that this pandemic is not going to last forever. Things may definitely get better than this, no matter what your coffee mug says. They will.

How to Go Down Stairs

Step One: This Isn't That Bad

Simply go up the stairs. This one is easy as you have been doing it for weeks already. If you feel like you need to spice things up, weave back and forth in front of your human as he chases after you. Extra points if he trips on you!

Step Two: Before Mission Snoozes

Do whatever needs to be done upstairs. Eat, wait for human to shower, or take a nap. Whatever you do, make sure the human can't nap. It has nothing to do with stairs, but it is a puppy's solemn promise to all of their ancestors. You see those eyelids shutting, you better be chomping on some toes.

Step Three: Realize Your Plight

Done with whatever the human wanted you to do upstairs? Great! Wait, now he wants you to do what? “Go down the stairs,” your human says. They use that cute voice that they know gets you to do things. But... don't they realize that we are on top of a mountain? Look down the stairs, look back at your human. Look down the stairs. Look back at your human. Tilt your head quizzically. They find that cute. Maybe they'll forget about this crazy plan.

Step Four: The First Attempt

Alright, the human is still telling you to go down the stairs. First things first, keep your eyes on the prize. Just take the first step nice and easy. Tilt your butt up into the air and engage your tail to keep your balance. Slowly crane your neck towards the stairs, come on, come on, come on. Now one paw out to the first step and-

Step Five: Doubt and Suspicion

No, no, no. No. No! Toss your head and jump back to the top of the stairs. This is insane! Your human is trying to get you to do some crazy acrobatics like the cat does. You're not a cat. I mean, you've tried to be, but the cat never seems to like you whether you're a cat or not. Look at your human. Tilt your head again, maybe they missed it the first time. Can't they just carry you like they did a week ago? Whine a little. Pout when they just laugh and call you cute.

Step Six: The Second Attempt to the Landing

The human isn't picking you up. They go past you down the stairs to the first landing. They clap their hands together and do that high pitched voice again. They went down the stairs okay, and they only have two legs! Put your butt back up again and use that tail. The first paw gets to the first stair and suddenly that raised butt seems awfully heavy. Another paw and another and you are barreling down the stairs like an avalanche. Come to a screeching halt next to your human on the landing. You did it! And then they start walking again... down... even more stairs.

Step Seven: The Importance of Bouncing

Now, all the scary people who poke and prod you at the place that smells way too clean say that you shouldn't have a large grasp on physics yet. Time to prove them wrong. You went down the first set of stairs. You can do this. Your human seems a world away at the bottom of the longest set of stairs you have ever seen. Your butt goes up almost on its own. Your tail masterfully begins to balance you on your path. Feel free to feel like that legendary dog that got sent into space. We've all done it.

Your human claps their hands again and your paws go down to the first step. Then the next, and the next. In your excitement, you forget that you have two legs at the rear. It is too late to abort mission. You quickly get your back legs under you again, but your front legs keep going. Bring all your legs under you and keep them straight. You saw this on that nature documentary the human watched last night. And you begin to bounce. You prance majestically, your ears flapping like an eagle's wings, and your feet as sure as the mighty mountain goats. It feels like it ends just as it begins. Your paws are on flat ground again. You have made it. Bounce again, space-dog. Bounce just because you feel like it.

You earned it.